In it for the short haul
How do you cope when the person you love lives miles away? Fortunately for today’s parted couples, low-cost airlines like Wizz Air can made all the difference.
WORDS BY LAURA MARCUS | ILLUSTRATION BY TIM MARRS
AS HE WAITED IN THE departure lounge, leafing aimlessly through his magazine, John’s phone beeped. A message had come through from his girlfriend Anna. "I don’t want you to live!" it said, ominously. John took a deep breath and boarded the plane, the words of the message ringing in his ears.
But he wasn’t worried or upset. In fact, this apparent death threat put a smile on his face. John could see the romance in the sentiment, and if you, dear reader, can’t, perhaps this will clear things up: John was heading back to London after visiting his Polish girlfriend in Wroclaw. Anna was still grappling with the vagaries of English spelling. What she meant of course was, "I don’t want you to leave!"
Romance knows neither the boundaries of language nor nation and, today, many long-distance couples are regularly rushing and crawling to and from the people they love thanks to low-cost airlines. "Today there is more mobility as people live either temporarily or permanently away from their home base. And this produces shifts in relationship patterns," says social psychologist and relationship specialist Robin Gilmour of Lancaster University. But while many of us might hate the thought of only seeing our beloved once a month, there are compelling reasons why long-distance love can work.
"A lot of people remain caught up in the myth of romantic ideals, thinking they must be together all the time," adds Gilmour. "But that’s a fantasy and extremely rare. People vary enormously in the amount of time they want to spend together but find it very difficult to talk about.
"If you’ve just started seeing someone and say to them, or they say to you, it’s best to only meet up once a month, it would go down like a lead balloon," says Gilmour. And saying you want to see other people – meaning your friends – or want some time on your own is often thought wrong within a relationship. "I once heard a young man say you aren’t allowed to spend time with your friends once you fall in love, which seemed quite sad to me because, of course, you are!"
But couples find it very difficult to talk about their need for time apart with some relationships becoming so strained by differing needs for closeness and space that they break up. Long-distance relationships have the advantage of automatically creating time apart without having to negotiate it.
This is something Agata Sladek, 29, Ground Operations Manager for Wizz Air, totally agrees with having spent the last 18 months commuting between Poland and the UK to see her English boyfriend, Paul. "Distance is a good thing at the beginning of a relationship as people push things too quickly to be perfect. But you can’t rush long-distance love," she says. When Agata first met Paul, 29, at a club in Gdansk, she had no idea it would lead anywhere. "We never thought it could amount to anything as he was going back to England, I had a very good job I was really happy with and I definitely didn’t want to move to the UK."
So not only did the couple not bother to keep in close contact – they actively avoided it. But, unable to stay away from each other, Agata went over to England to see Paul and he visited her in Poland. And after about two months of trying – and failing – to stay apart, both realised they had something real. Cue lots of flights back and forth between London and Gdansk. "I felt we had a better chance of coping with the separation than other couples because I work for an airline and live close to the airport, so after work I could just jump on a plane and fly over for the weekend," says Agata. And her knowledge about connections meant she could organise it all quite easily. "Our relationship wouldn’t have been possible without Wizz Air."
Even so, the couple set up firm rules. They would see each other every two weeks, three maximum, and between times maintain contact via the internet: "We used Skype but not messenger as it’s easy to misunderstand text if you don’t speak the same language." So Agata has never told Paul she doesn’t want him to live! And now he’s learning Polish, "which means when I’m with him I have to watch myself when I call the family back home in case he can understand me!"
Agata never imagined the love of her life would turn out to be the same age as her. "I always said I wanted someone older. Then suddenly I meet this wonderful man and I just broke all my rules." Which proves that searching for love armed with a checklist is never a good idea, something Gilmour agrees with: "this desire for the perfect relationship, that your one soulmate exists, is another pernicious romantic myth. Only one person in the whole world that’s right for you? Nice idea, but get real! There are six billion people in the world and it’s a seriously depressing thought that only one of them is right."
So chuck away your checklist, stop seeking perfection and don’t give up on the idea of having to travel or live apart from the one you love. It’s never been easier – or cheaper – to maintain long-distance relationships. It’s not for everyone but for some couples, as Agata and Paul show, it can work well. "My previous relationships were not very good. So I said I would live on my own and quit having them," adds Agata. "But when I stopped looking, and didn’t care any more, I found Paul. Maybe because there was less pressure?"
Love often turns up where you least expect it – and frequently where you’ve never bothered looking before. A love lesson for us all there.
FIVE TOP TIPS
- Talk trivia "People assume the peaks are what matter – saying I love you", says Gilmour. But it’s everyday chat that truly underpins relationships.
- Talk when you’re apart. Use email, text, Skype, whatever you can and use this to discuss everyday matters as it will be easier to pick up when you meet again.
- Row! "Bickering is as much a part of relationships as being loveydovey," adds Gilmour.
- Don’t try to make all your time together perfect - it creates a horrible burden of expectation.
- Phone sex is not compulsory. If you both enjoy and want to indulge, fine. But it’s not for everyone.
Jak radzić sobie ze związkiem na odległość? Na szczęście w dzisiejszych czasach tanie linie lotnicze, takie jak Wizz Air, pomagają przetrwać rozłąkę.
Czekając na odprawę na lotnisku John zerknął na wyświetlacz swojej komórki, aby odczytać wiadomość, która właśnie nadeszła od jego dziewczyny, Anny. "I don’t want you to live!" [Nie chcę, żebyś żył!] głosił dramatyczny napis. John wsiadł na pokład samolotu powtarzając w myślach złorzeczącą wiadomość.
Wcale nie był jednak zmartwiony. Przeciwnie, groźba śmierci wywołała uśmiech a jego twarzy. Właśnie wracał do Londynu, z Wrocławia, gdzie odwiedzał swoją ukochaną Annę, której angielska pisownia wciąż sprawiała problemy. Oczywiście, dziewczyna miała na myśli "I don’t want you to leave!" [Nie chcę, żebyś wyjeżdżał!].
Miłość nie zna granic, ani geograficznych, ani narodowościowych czy językowych. Pomimo tego, że wielu z nas nie w smak jest świadomość, że można zobaczyć ukochana osobę tyko raz w miesiącu, związki na odległość mają szansę na przetrwanie.
Wiele osób, wierzy, że idealnie byłoby być razem cały czas. Taka sytuacja to jednak mrzonka lub ekstremum. Wielu parom jest jednak bardzo trudno rozmawiać o tym, że potrzebują czasu w samotności. Związki na odległość samoistnie rozwiązują ten problem bez konieczności niewygodnych negocjacji.
- Jeśli na początku związku ktoś oświadczyłby, że chce się widywać z ukochaną osobą raz w miesiącu, mało kto przyjąłby to dobrze – twierdzi psycholog społeczny Robin Gilmour z Lancaster University w Wielkiej Brytanii. Jednak zbyt duża bliskość potrafinadwerężyć związek i doprowadzić do jego rozpadu. W związkach na odległość nie ma tego problemu.
Na początku znajomości, odległość nie jest zła, bo ludzie często chcą, żeby było wszystko było idealnie i starają się zbyt mocno lub na siłę przyspieszają rozwój związku. W związkach na odległość nie ma takiej presji. Choć miłość na odległość nie jest dla wszystkich rozwiązuje ona wiele problemów, z którymi borykają się początkujące pary.
Jeszcze nigdy nie było tak łatwo, ani tak tanio, utrzymać związek z partnerem mieszkającym w innym kraju, a miłość, jak wiemy, lubi pojawiać się tam, gdzie najmniej jej się spodziewamy.
